Friday, October 26, 2007
{ 11:54 AM }
Recent events have forced my back against the wall and have forced me to confront and come face to face with something, the only thing, that I have been running away from for the longest time.
The most difficult thing, aside from watching others you love so dearly get hurt, is to bravely surrender your heart in the trusting hands of someone else. I, as with many, many others I'm sure, have believed so naively in the beauty and magic of falling in love that when it pulls a fast one on you and completely flips you around, you fall so hard, so fast that when you do manage to pick yourself up, if ever, you fence up, bricks, wires, cement, the whole enchilada.
I suppose this is why they say love is blind, not so much referring to the flaws or choice of person we decide to engage with but more so that we, the fall-er, are so stupidly blind to the possibility that something so beautiful could turn out to be so disastrously destructive.
Personally, I thought I was fine, still perfectly capable of meeting someone new, someone ELSE, always being the adventurous, strong and confident one to give it all up again for him, whoever he might be, I just chose not to engage in such frivolous activities.
So when opportunity, my detour road, came knocking, I thought to myself, 'he seems fine, great potential, amazing personality, best of both worlds, don't over analyze, don't over think it, go with the flow'.
I wanted to be brave, to be adventurous and to take the leap. I disappointingly found that I could not, not so much because of the who's I've left behind but for the fact that I know I am so much smarter than this. I'm the sort of girl who should learn from her past mistakes, I am better than this.
After all that's happened, I am not willing to put myself out there to let myself be a victim of something so painful. I felt my thorns and guards growing, as if a natural reaction to poison.
So I ask this, is it possible to move into the future without bringing your past's excess baggage to the present? If so, how and if not, what's next for us?
.
.
.
.
.
In the meantime, I am in a serious, beyond all seriousness, relationship... with my music. I swear it's like a damn cocaine addiction; when I shower, when I study (yeah right, study~), when I sleep. 24/7 Trance, baby.
I love it.
Recent events have forced my back against the wall and have forced me to confront and come face to face with something, the only thing, that I have been running away from for the longest time.
The most difficult thing, aside from watching others you love so dearly get hurt, is to bravely surrender your heart in the trusting hands of someone else. I, as with many, many others I'm sure, have believed so naively in the beauty and magic of falling in love that when it pulls a fast one on you and completely flips you around, you fall so hard, so fast that when you do manage to pick yourself up, if ever, you fence up, bricks, wires, cement, the whole enchilada.
I suppose this is why they say love is blind, not so much referring to the flaws or choice of person we decide to engage with but more so that we, the fall-er, are so stupidly blind to the possibility that something so beautiful could turn out to be so disastrously destructive.
Personally, I thought I was fine, still perfectly capable of meeting someone new, someone ELSE, always being the adventurous, strong and confident one to give it all up again for him, whoever he might be, I just chose not to engage in such frivolous activities.
So when opportunity, my detour road, came knocking, I thought to myself, 'he seems fine, great potential, amazing personality, best of both worlds, don't over analyze, don't over think it, go with the flow'.
I wanted to be brave, to be adventurous and to take the leap. I disappointingly found that I could not, not so much because of the who's I've left behind but for the fact that I know I am so much smarter than this. I'm the sort of girl who should learn from her past mistakes, I am better than this.
After all that's happened, I am not willing to put myself out there to let myself be a victim of something so painful. I felt my thorns and guards growing, as if a natural reaction to poison.
So I ask this, is it possible to move into the future without bringing your past's excess baggage to the present? If so, how and if not, what's next for us?
.
.
.
.
.
In the meantime, I am in a serious, beyond all seriousness, relationship... with my music. I swear it's like a damn cocaine addiction; when I shower, when I study (yeah right, study~), when I sleep. 24/7 Trance, baby.
I love it.