The Daily Snitch

hole in my heart

2008-12-13T00:42:00.000-08:00

I picked up a very disgusting habit recently that costs $3.10 a pack. I've made new friends with 20sticks of minty-first-disgusting-after cigarettes. It's quite disgusting but I guess I can see how people can get hooked on it, it's not hard. Unlike downing JD and whiskey the taste just clogs your throat (my point of view). Smoking (yes, I said it out loud) is not at all hard to do, I've been experimenting with it too, the difference between inhaling and not inhaling smoke, twirling the cigarette stick in my hand, switching hands etc etc. Yep, this is what my life has come down to, talking about cigarettes.

I'm not hooked, or so I think but I don't see/feel the damage that it's doing to me.

***

It's better to have loved once, than to have never loved at all. I broke up with my boyfriend (now ex) of (on and off) of 6 years, since 2002. There's this void, an empty space in my life now that needs to quickly be filled up before the loneliness and pain makes a permanent stay in my life.

Those who know my story find this to be such a bore, but it is a problem that I'm acknowledging. It's hard to let go, I find it hard to let go. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know who I'm going to end up with and I don't know if this is the last you'll hear about 'us'. But now, I'm just going to inhale all my freedom and liberty to do as I please and to make full use of it.

I'm not going to deny that it hurts and that I cry over it and that sometimes it is better to pretend that everything's peachy when the pain in this heart starts to suffocate me. This is me taking the bull by it's horns, taking charge of my life and livin' it up.

Wish me luck. =)

***

It's the weekend me and the girls will be heading up to Angel Beach tonight. It's going to be a good night of new experiences for me. This feels good and I hope it stays that way.

Tonight I'm hoping to have the guts to drink my sorrows away and fall ridiculously drunk, although I am designated driver but we'll work it out. I feel like such a late bloomer in all things my parents would murder me for, but better late than never. This feels really good.

i'm alive

2008-11-25T09:14:00.000-08:00

December is just around the bend. And it's times like this when I ask, "Where did time go?"

It's the same for case of fear and anxiety for me every year end, when I look forward to welcoming the new, hopeful year with doubtful promises. If I were to ask myself what's improved for me this year, I'd say quite a lot and yet some things that should have improved still remain stagnant.

As I ready myself to grow another year older, I still hold great hope that I might find a solution, if not salvation from this long term disease. There are red reminder strings on my fingers to not grow uptight, firm and stern because my work environment can so do that to you, and to remmeber to have fun and have minute doses of craziness.

I've thought of closing this down because my life has become so private and secluded, only to be shared amongst the (very few) people I truly love and care about. Then again I've realised that from the way I've been writing, vague and undescriptive with just a hint of triggering reminders, this virtual place, is a solution to my laziness in keeping a written journal.

Typing works so much faster, and my thoughts tend to be more tangible before disappearing off so quickly. It's just a place for me to read, re-read and remember my life, maybe not now but when I'm older.

I'm guessing there's an option where I can choose not to publish what I write but I've yet to discover it.

I'm awfully out of touch with a few people that I know I need to be in touch with and have been trying to reach me, I apologise for that. I will make a greater effort.

I realise that I'm a pretty bad story teller, and I sometimes say things with no point at end. But that's how this whole charade is, you play along with this game, go with the flow and there may never even be a point to it all. It's the journey, I keep telling myself that. Funny.

Again, no point to this post.

heart and sole

2008-10-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

He'd stick with her through thick and thin. She knows he would.

He'd let her win all petty arguments.

He'd tolerate her inner blonde.

He'd stroke her dark long hair.

He'd laugh at all her silly jokes.

He thought she always looked perfect.

He'd make her skin tingle.

He'd buy her flowers when the occasion calls for it.

He'd buy her flowers for no apparent reason.

He'd wait even if she took ages to get ready.

He will wait.

And yet she chooses to break him.

posessed

2008-10-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

You know when inspiration hits you it, like bad things, bursts through in flood like waters, over consuming and over possessing you.

Today this music hits home, every note floods my brain with ideas, light bulbs start going on and this heavy sense of urgency descends.

It takes guts to follow your dreams and when I was almost sucked into the monotonous, mundane cycle of work. Something hit me and it hit hard.

So at the crossroads, what do I do? The music is still playing so nostalgically, so filled with depth and passion.

2008-10-15T23:25:00.001-07:00

I have this urge to write and type frantically but, like my life, I AM STUCK.

I AM STUCK IN A BIG, FAT, NEVER-ENDING RUT.

The words just don't come out right, my vocabulary turns nano on me and the music just plays uninspiringly through the headphones.

Will try again tomorrow, and the day after that.

Throw me a life-saver, someone.

Help.

perfect vision

2008-10-08T03:39:00.000-07:00

Before I left to work this morning, I clicked on the magic-8 ball widget I have on my desktop, asking if I'd had a good work day today. The definition of a good work day in my book, is where I get an almost perfect draft back (NB. no such thing as a perfect draft), I organise my files and keep track of what needs to be reviewed and have just enough time for a game or two of minesweeper.

Magic-8 Ball prediction: ''You can count on it''.

And I think I had a relatively good day at work despite knocking off an hour after normal office hours.

I love my job. It is the only thing I can talk about now, seeing how I have a very minimal social life. Told you I'm a slave to my work. The only me-time I have comprises of my drive to work, my drive out to and from lunch, my drive home from work and the 15minutes before I go to bed.

I think it's important not to let reality get to us so much. It's a harsh, hard world, especially in the legal field, and it'll be all to easy to get sucked into it and be a monotonous, lifeless cog in the work wheel. During my morning drive out, I relax and think about what's important to me and that there's real beauty to life.

i love my job

2008-10-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

It's been 4 weeks since I've started work now. And as much as I like working and being busy, I can't help but feel that my everyday work life (thus far) is reminiscent of 'The Devil Wears Prada' in many ways. My lady boss is SO similar to Miranda Priestly that it really is quite scary.

I am a slave to my work, I love it and yet I can't help but be scared by it. The she-devil is demanding, impatient and a perfectionist, much to our detriment. She needs papers to be in immaculate condition, not ink blotches, no folded edges, no untidy chops, no unnecessary post it reminders. Upon submissions, documents have to be arranged in order, neatly paper clipped (sometimes stapled, depending on what documents) and placed in a neat pile on her desk. She signs with a particular black pen, that HAS to be available at your table at ALL times. When she calls, you RUN, don't take you sweet time walking.. RUN like your job depended on it. Red ink can only be used to write bill numbers. Always remember to change the footer for ease of reference. Never be late for work, and if you have to call to inform the staff. Triple/Quadruple check your work before submitting. Big paper clips should be separated from the small ones. No iPods (or at least don't let her see you using one) and no gum. Remember to keep tabs on ALL your personal files, do not leave them rusty and dusty on shelves.

I can go on forever...

Despite all these minor scratches, she really is very sharp when it comes to checking drafts, spotting the missing semi colon or the uneven spacing between paragraphs. She is amazing at her work and I am truly in awe of her capabilities, of which I have heard so much about and personally gotten to see first hand.

People say that you learn from the strict and the tough. I just hope I'll be able to hold out, just like Andie Sachs did, before I suffer from overburn.

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job

Three weeks ago, I said this with great enthusiasm and excitement, now I chant this as much as I can to tell myself that I love my job.

sine language

2008-09-14T01:06:00.001-07:00

Travis' Closer is playing and its drowning out the noise, the chords just soothing my skin.

It's the music that allows me to wander. I always felt very lucky growing up, of course the human self is never satisfied but looking back at my life from many angles, I am, in ways more than one, very blessed.

And I don't know if this is the curse that comes along with the blessing because I always find myself feeling guilty for the things I have and the things that a lot of others lack and I don't just mean materialistic things.

Here I am fighting for a 5 digit salary in my future, whereas the construction workers work with backs bent under the scorching sun. Your sometimes slow but otherwise hardworking maid has 5 mouths back home to feed and yet swallows her pride to kneel and scrub your floors. A little respect please.

Don't you just wish there were something that could be done? We don't have to change the whole world, that seems almost impossible, despite what the Adidas ads tell you. Just one at a time, one small thing at a time. Why does my heart break for them?

Work hard and as my boss tells me, sacrifices have to be made but why does theirs seem too much to bear.

We should be grateful, that is the underlying basis of it all.

read me

2008-09-13T03:07:00.000-07:00

Who in the world reads this junk that I write?

I've made it past one week of work and I am glad and proud to say that I like my job. I like being busy and having files on my desk, I like the sense of urgency of dealing with clients and files. It's a dead end, 8 hour, five days a week job but I like it... so

That said, I think I've decided on doing the Bar. It's another year away from home, another year in a friggin' cold country (with excellent shopping, that I miss) but a big difference in my salary and future prospects.

The future, the future, the future. We all work SO hard for our future, if only he/she would appreciate it and let us of easy.

1 0 7 3

2008-09-06T12:45:00.000-07:00

Calling all other 21 year olds. I have a question, is it me or are our maternal hormones just raging, and I mean RAGING?

In the past 3 days I've met two of my friends, both married with children and they are SO cute.

I want my own baby, my own little monster that I will spoil rotten!

Gah. I'm starting work on Monday, 8.30 to 5.30 Monday to Friday. The long weekend is a plus plus plus.

I'm just writing for writing. I want a babyyyyyyyy a cute fat baby.

Damn these BAR plans. I think they're the only ones holding me back.

Duplicate

2008-08-30T02:19:00.000-07:00

How do you deal when someone tells you that another person you're not remotely close to dislikes you for one particular incident that has happened?

I think... you don't deal, you give it a 'pfft' and move on.

I've had my share of bad rumours and catty acquaintances. I get too lazy to defend myself sometimes and just let whatever they want to think float.

I think it's unfair that you get labeled based on one incident (that people even haven't got straight facts of) that happened which completely undermines the other ninety nine instances of good that you've done. But that's just the way it is, you know. People will remember you for the bad that you've done and pass cold remarks about the good.

I tell myself this every time this happens, that as long as the people that I care for know what I am about then there is nothing more for me to explain.

Some people stay fallen when things go wrong, but I think I prefer to ignore it, or at least blog about it first then later ignore it, and prove people wrong, that is altogether a different kind of gratification.

***

Most of my Malaysian friends who have decided to do the BAR have left for the UK earlier this week. I miss the UK a bit but BAR is definitely still an option for me.

All the best to them. I miss you all so much and I'm sorry a trip to KL could not have been made in time for your departures. Good Luck and please update me on what BAR is like.

be wary

2008-08-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

What do you do with all the residual hoes, skanks, sluts, bitches and tramps of the world?

People who irk you will always irk you. How do you not let them get to you?

There's this girl who is annoying me and inconsiderately hurting another fellow friend. Mind you, I may tolerate this indecency but not for long and I will go public with what I know.

Watching each other's back is what we should do for each other. I put myself in her shoes and I know what a fool you will be making out of her and that I will not tolerate for much longer. It takes two to tango and boys will always be boys. For a medic student, if I'm right, you really should be less blonde and more brains.

Good night!

not manipulative, just confused

2008-08-04T10:11:00.001-07:00

The Lufbru Summer Games ended yesterday, August 3rd, with netball being the final sport. This year was my first year playing, luckily enough with R.A. This is the team that, I've realised, after playing two tournaments with them, that people love to hate. The team that people try to find faults with and yesterday was no different, a few obstacles were thrown our way.

There were disputes regarding additional imports and what not, and just in the defence of R.A., if people and fellow players thought about it from our standpoint as a team in contention for the championship title, they should be able to understand our frustration... hopefully.

But no major arguments, we just did what we could as we always do in rough circumstances.

Overall, we came 2nd which was satisfactory because by the end of the 13hour day, most of us were tired and all we wanted to do was to finish the game and konk out. The other finalist, the Ravenz, were, in so many words, too good. The teamwork between their two imports were hard to break but we did the best we could, and were good with runner up.

But we did have a small Mexican wave thing from R.A. supporters during the finals which really made my night! Thank you supporters. : )

***

Now that netball is over with, I need to find something to fill up my afternoon 'netball training' time. I want to get back into basketball, it's been so long since I played competitively and I always tell people that I've got the heart but not the physique to participate, this I'm sure many can relate too.

It's August! Where the frick did time go, I've been back a month and can safely say I've done nothing productive. Tsk. I guess that's what a break is about isn't it. I've also been faced with endless questions of 'what next' or 'what my plans are' but the truth is, I don't know. So I just smile, and say, 'I want to take a few months off first before I start anything'.

I find it difficult to tell people the truth that I don't know what's next for me. Mostly because I don't want to sound like a drifter, aimless and goal-less. Trust me, I have aims and goals, I just don't know what to do NOW to fill up my time.

One step at a time, one step at a time. I'm just afraid of looking down the line and seeing how I've never managed to attain those dreams and just being like a cog in the work wheel!

I don't quite like this phase of my life, enjoying the relaxation time, but not so much the transitioning part. Gah!

Big hello (!!!!) to my KL friends, who I miss so much, all your love, BS, poker and lame jokes!

drama free

2008-07-02T23:12:00.001-07:00

I hope so, at least.

The opposite of love is hate and it is so easy to cross that boundary, almost like flipping a switch. In the heat of anger, fiery stares emerge and words cut like blades of ice. Bars separate two beings whose lives were once dependant on each other.

The world rotates, times change, people grow to realise what they really want. Nothing is for certain, I would advise not to be too sure of anything, even a love that you feel is so strong, so powerful, so un-eraseable.

When the cookie crumbles, you see a different side to that person, a side so ugly, so cruel, so cold. A dimension so scary that it makes me wonder how I've failed to see it after such a long, long time.

You are such an a-hole. Let me remember this forever.

hopelessly hopeful

2008-07-02T01:01:00.000-07:00

I re-read my posts and look at things from an outsiders point of view, sometimes. I tend to write very vaguely, so if you have no clue what's going on in my life, I highly doubt people will get it. I think this blog is more for me than anyone else, I write to remember. These posts are like trigger points, that remind me of what happened, what emotions and feelings are running through this frame.

I'm back home, for good. At least that's what the current plan looks like. Things are changing and I would like to embrace this big big lifestyle change whole heartedly. Be a better person, meet new people, catch up with old ones, travel, be free, really.

I have a great support system. I'm not not running, when the time is right I will stop running. When the lion gets his courage, when the timing is right, I will stand and look at my greatest fear in the eye and say I am closing that chapter.

I am so, so, so hopeful. I get this all the time, and time and time again I've failed so miserably. It never hurts to have a little faith, like free falling, not knowing what's down below but taking the jump anyway. I'm so desperate to get out, I mean I've been trying and fighting for the longest time. So if this fails, same story, people get hurt, you fall, get back up and try again.

Last night was motivation enough for me. *finger crossed*

click my red heels three times

2008-06-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

When I touch down, assuming that I am not all jet-lagged and groggy from the air sickness, I want to:

a. get a manicure/pedicure, it's been too long.
b. thread/pluck my eyebrows!
c. get a full 90minute massage, oh yeah.
d. Eat chicken rice, despite the 20c increment. (20cents is less than 10p!)
e. clean the big empty en suite room to make it mine!
f. unpack =(
g. hide from the heat
h. bounce around in joy, I'm coming home!!

quickie

2008-06-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

Why do we always pick the things that are most harmful to us? I am in such a tough spot now. It's is pretty complicating, I can't get my thoughts right. Either that or I'm just complicating things up myself. Hmm..

I love being with my family. I'm so glad they're here in London with me. Their frantic-ness and craziness keeps a lot of things off my mind. I don't think I'm quite ready to reveal what's going on just yet. Plus it's really nothing new. So, I'll open up when I'm ready but for now everything's not fine, not dandy, not peachy, but everything's under control.

I'm going to miss this place when I leave. =(

p.s. I've officially graduated. Congratulations everyone. You know I love you and miss you all. I'll most definitely be making a trip to KL soon. <3

just another one of those pondering moments

2008-06-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

I've given up on sleeping. It's ten past two in the morning and I'm aggravated. I have to be up at half past four to meet my family at Heathrow. They're here for my convo, can you believe it? I'm graduating!

At this rate, I might as well stay awake till half four. I'm ecstatic they're coming! I haven't seen them in months. I'm annoyed that I can't fall asleep, knowing that I have to play tour guide when they arrive.

I was talking to a great friend (you can never have to many of those kinds) earlier and he was telling me how excited and hyped up he was about his life and his plans to save human kind, somewhere along that line. And I wondered where my motivation has gone.

I had those plans, the excitement that when I graduate I'd take a year or two off to travel and do lots of charity work, for children, for communities, for peace. And now, all I can think of is going back home, putting off job searching as much as possible, lazing and just enjoying life. Where is my motivation or have I just become too much of a realist to see that I am no superwoman.

My life is in Brunei. I grew up there, most of my friends are there, my closest family members, my home. So really, how do i venture outwards of my very comfortable zone again?

I think everything will fall into place once I reach home, and start from there.

I can't sleep! This is killing me...

only temporary

2008-06-22T16:52:00.001-07:00

When something terrible happens to me I curl up in bed, dig up all past horrific incidents that have occurred, cry (sometimes) my eyes out, and sleep.

I think that is my fix.

So now, something bad has happened. I am restless, my heartbeat is escalating, my palms are sweaty. What have I done?

I don't think I can fix this.

Let it pass, it is only a feeling, one that control can be exercised over. It's just temporary. So grab hold of those reins and take control of your life. This is what you want, even freedom has a price. Now you've got it so immerse yourself in it, soak yourself completely in it, breathe it in and realise that you've got what you wanted. No more looking back, the streets ahead glow brightly. This is only temporary.

d.guetta

2008-06-21T14:32:00.001-07:00

Have you ever put so much thought into something that you completely lose track of what the core issue was in the first place?

It's like telling a lie and believing it so much to an extent that it almost is true, losing sight. Opportunity cost - it's such a painful word in context, gaining one thing and losing another. I am so confused, I can't sort my thoughts out right, I'm reasoning with all the wrong reasons, I'm losing sight of what's important.

I know the only person that can help me is myself, but for this once I want someone to command me to do something, like I don't have an alternative, and I do it.

if you're happy and you know it . . .

2008-06-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

This is what the three stooges do when their big sisters are not around. I see you little boy, you look painfully familiar to someone I know. Lucky you, lucky us. I miss you all and I cannot wait to be back.

I spent the whole day packing today and I am proud to say that I am 70% through. Just the few odds and ends to clear.

It's so scary to say goodbye to the people that you've spend and awfully long time with. Congratulations everyone on graduating with a fcuking LAW degree. Three cheers to all the upcoming lawyers, politicians, economists, financial advisors and the lost souls. It was an amazing ride and one that I will not ever, ever lose sight of, even if I wanted to.

I am honoured, proud and very sad to be graduating with you lot. This is THE beginning of the dream making process, THE beginning to sculpting our lives and determining the person we will become. Hold on tight, for we are small people wanting better things for ourselves, bigger changes in life, I can sense it in all of you. So with all sincerity, I wish all of you luck and remember that life tends to throw you around sometimes, but never give up and look ahead.

I love you all immensely and thank you so much for all the lessons that you have taught me and for being great pillars of support. I will visit soon, promise.

nothing like home

2008-06-10T04:10:00.000-07:00

It's true, for me at least, that when things happen, the first people you want to share them with are your family and closest friends.

With plans for a big arse Lexus and a driver, the idea of the NBT treasure hunt 2008 sounds a little to over the top but it made my day.

I cannot wait to go home.

no more excuses

2008-06-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

To say that I'm satisfied would be a lie. To say that I do not deserve it, it's not my place. My results came out today and I was overwhelmed with a LOT of emotions. Not so much dissatisfaction but more... confusion. The only thing that's left to do is to accept what you've been given and find a way to work around the potholes.

Post emotional distress, congratulations everyone. I am grateful for you trying to withold your excitement and happiness from me but please, it is your right and know that I am happy for you too. Thank you for being such wonderful friends. I know I will miss you all la! *gulps*

Everyone's worked hard and we're all graduating, not in alone, not apart (except for you, moo) but together.

Thank you again for today.

numbers

2008-06-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

9 months.

23 pairs of shoes.

13 bags.

4 pillows.

2 stuffed toys.

2 laptops

1 basketball.

1 badminton racket.

A wardrobe overflowing with clothes.

A printer.

A treasure box full of acessories; necklaces, bracelets, rings, belts, scarves etc.

Make up.

Books.

The point is I need help packing.

insomniac

2008-05-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, the most unexpected people are sometimes most able in piecing the right words together to express the things you've been meaning to say but feel a sort of inadequacy in expressing the fullness and depth of that emotion.

Blog hopping on a lazy sunday afternoon, I came across a guy, a drug infused, high 2 4 7 slacker dude. He managed to put the words right in my mouth about his great passion, which is funnily enough in sync with mine.

The thing is, although first impressions count, I'd rather stick to the 'don't judge a book by its cover' rule. You never know what you can discover about yourself in other people, or how everyone has something to offer. It helps to listen, absorb and analyse all the small things.

stop drop roll

2008-05-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

There's a difference in thinking you're grown up and actually have time creep up on you and sound off alarm bells telling you that you're actually grown up and you just have no choice but to act like one now.

I am going back in 5 weeks. I can't wait but on the other hand I'm anxious to find out what lies ahead, what my road map will look like.

*****

What do you do when you think that someone you really, really, really care about is having an affair? Or cheating on her husband? I cannot help but flare up my defences and protect her, almost like an automatic response.

*****

The hardest thing ever is to lose your mother. The goddess like figure who exudes strength, serenity and love. There is very little I can say or do to ease the pain or to lighten your breath. I feel your pain and I grief for you, old friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you constantly and may God bless her soul.

almost over

2008-05-20T16:50:00.000-07:00

I can't begin to imagine how the real world will be like. I have no clue where to start. For now, I'm just doing a whole lot of chilling, trying to set my mind straight, figuring out what I should be doing, where I should be heading and thinking of all the responsibilities that will be thrown in my direction.

That aside, my holiday so far has been blissfully uneventful, just the way I like it.

You know as much as I dislike this country, I think I will miss it. The people I've met, the many joys and, come to think of it, very few sorrows, the eye opening experiences, the challenges and the great travels, everything has directed the course of my life.

I know that I will never be able to get this back, so this post is a note to self to remember my time in the UK.

you are so beautiful, to me

2008-05-14T05:07:00.000-07:00

A longgg while back, I lamented on how people, my mother in particular, could spend so much money on a bag. I once told someone that I would never be like that. A few years down the road, I look back and realise how silly I was to have said that because I've inherited my mother's gene of liking beautifully constructed things.

It seems shallow but there's a greater depth to it all. Or maybe its just self satisfaction.

After much anticipation, welcome to the family.

life's regrets

2008-05-11T14:42:00.001-07:00

I've finished my exams. Oh, joy! Somehow, less hype less excitement this year. Maybe because there's a sort of sadness behind it all, me leaving my friends who I've gotten to know and love, the end of my university years, assuming the search for a Masters is not lurking in the dark, and just starting a whole new chapter of my life.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to come out of my life, what kind of a person I want to be remembered as, what impact will I make. Things that a lot of people take for granted but are very important to me. I don't believe in taking life day by day, although that is sometimes how I feel when I am lost and uncertain of what next to do. I think we have to look at the bigger picture, aim for bigger, greater things. Don't settle for anything less than what you know you can do.

So what's next for me? I really don't know. Ask me if I have dreams, I can tell you plenty. Ask me how to make them real, I haven't figured that out yet.

I just don't want to be just another knob in the work wheel. I don't want to be 50 look back and see that I've not achieved anything. I want to see the world, both land and sea. I want a career, whatever it may be. I want to help people, see a change made in my lifetime. I want to make a difference, to have my foot prints imprinted on earth. I want to know that I did not just pass by.

I want to fall in love, to yearn and long for someone, to be willing to set everything aside and do anything for him. I want to remember what that was like. To love someone so hard that you get exhausted. To scream, yell and break down, only to realise that you love him that much. To talk about the future, what we want to do, to have direction and goals and to work hard for them.

I want my existence to be felt. I do not want to scratch surfaces, I want to implant my presence. I want to look back, exhausted and feel satisfied with what I've done.

Happy holidays!

eesh

2008-04-28T15:26:00.001-07:00

My calm exterior is deteriorating, the layers are unfolding to reveal a soaring pulse rate and entagled web of nerves.

I am trying to be very calm, to have a 'come what may' approach to everything and to not let my external environment affect me. I am trying.

MY EXAM IS IN ONE DAY. THIS IS DRIVING ME LIP BITINGLY MENTAL.

=S

stuck in a rut

2008-04-27T04:56:00.001-07:00

10 days.

Just 10 more days till the end of my exams. The last (I hope) of it. The final time I am ever going to go in an echoed hall, palms sweaty and constantly repeating verses in my mind to calm down. With reminders to take deep breaths and to hope that God will be guiding me. This is the last time, the time that will conclude my undergrad law degree, the time that will determine the rank of my degree, the worth of it; whether three years of reading legislation and cases, three years of stress and nerve bursting moments and fee credit have gone into good worth.

In two months, I'll be attending my convocation and I do want to make my family proud, dad and mum especially for believing in me, and somehow depending on me.

What comes next, then?

Life. I suppose. Real life.

What are you going to do? Where are you going to work? What do you want to go into? Do you plan to do the Bar? When are you going to get married? Who are you going to get married to? Will you strike it big? Will you make a difference? What does your existence in this world mean? Will your dreams come true? Will you look back and be satisfied with all that you've done or will you just spiral downwards to join the cog in the clockwork wheels?

I think I am most afraid of looking back and realising that I've achieved none of my dreams.

Here, here to an almost full fleged working adult.

Thank you to everyone who has in the sweetest, smallest possible ways motivated me and kept me sane in this very, very, very highly stressful and eruptive week. And to others who have done nothing but make things worse.. eesh!

on a blog roll

2008-04-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

I've been told that I'm very lucky, and this I have no doubts about this, and that they sometimes wish they had my life. I wonder if they know that I sometimes wish I had theirs...

Familiarity hates me for being so clingy. I need to be braver and more adventurous. I really want to know what lies ahead and where my life will take me. Will it open greater doors, will it remain dull, mundane and constant or will it be full of interesting challenges?

All I want is to make the right choices, meet the right people and live semi-happily (being less greedy here) ever after. I'm surprised to find that this burned out world has not destroyed all my dreams yet. Thanks mum, for giving me hope *fingers crossed*.

Another gruelling, torturous three weeks till the END of my exams, for good. I've been deprived of shopping, been eyeing a few MarcJacobs and Chloe dresses for quite some time now. I am waiting to spend, spend, spend. There's just something very therapeutic about shopping.

Criminology

2008-04-18T06:35:00.000-07:00

They say when reading, try to picture the scenario/situation/circumstance. The one good thing about Criminology is that you don't have to cite cases or legislation. But you do to detach from your own state of mind and place yourself in a whole different position to try envisage what exactly the theorist is trying to do, and really these theorists have too much time on their hands I think. Instead of citing cases, you need to remember names, and mind you, there's a whole list of it. And the best I can do is to imagine the theorists verbally explaning his studies to me, but I'm completely clueless on how each theorist looks like. This is the best I can come up with.

a. Matsueda: old Japanese guy, who is, weirdly enough,studying American sociology. Reminisce of Hiro Nakamura (Heroes) but 50years older.

b. Rose: English lady, prim and proper, very Helen Keller. Until I read more to find out she was actually a he.

c. Becker: Becker, the TV series on Star World. I always get a laugh out of reading Becker's theories, just because Dr. Becker is completely bull.

d. Travis Hirschi: Heavily tattoo-ed Blink 182 drummer, explaining his theory on control theories to me. Except he needs a big dose of his own self-control theories himself.

e. Kornhauser: very old mac donald. white beard, wrinkles, intense, serious stare. Turns our he is really a she. Cons of referring to them by their surname, very not gender-friendly.

f. Cohen: From th OC. I try my best to imagine Seth Cohen, eventhough realistically speaking, Sandy Cohen would suit the lecturing role a lot. Him being an attorney contributes significantly to the fact that I can imagine him ranting on and on about crime and subculture.

And to think I thought Crim was easy(er) than the rest.

the more difficult task

2008-04-17T06:03:00.000-07:00

You know what's harder than getting over someone?

Getting over someone getting over you, that's what.

paloi

2008-04-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to write something not very nice about someone. BUT IT'S ANOTHER TO LET SOMEONE ELSE TAKE THE BLAME FOR IT.

So, whoever you (all) are, I just want you to know I am so annoyed at you (all). Not because I've become your scapegoat or your big shield or your diversion but because I am being accused of something I DID NOT do.

I've never been one to blog so directly about someone but this time.. go figure because you also one kind, don't start pointing fingers until you really know lar. And I don't really care that my English is crap now. People have different opinions but mine, of you, was very impartial. You don't step on me, I don't step on you... BUT NOW... GAH.

I can choose not to care, just like everyone says but really you TWO (or more) are so... no comment.

k, rant over. Can start on Criminology now.

Good luck studying everyone!

Ashes to ashes

2008-04-02T17:38:00.000-07:00

We get so caught up sometimes, with things that we think are important to us that we lose track of the moments that unknowingly pass us by. People call love a crazy little thing, if so, then what of life?

Everyone keeps reminiscing of the good ol' times. How many times have you heard the phrase or seen facebook pictures captioned 'those were the days'? Does this mean that the older we grow the more depressed we become? Because at every stage that passes us by, we look back and think of all the beautiful moments, and wishing how we could all return to our youthful, carefree days, all this while rarely, if ever, looking forward and expecting the many, many more glorious days.

Our presence in the world is like a chess game, every decision made, from the way you wear your hair to which job to apply for, every move you make paves the way for new opportunities, new beginnings, new hope.

If it's one thing I've learnt this year, it's to loosen my grip of my past, to be more selfish and to love myself more. Well, that's three things. Narcissism, not in the form of self-taken vain pictures or admiring the reflection that looks back at me, but narcissism that wants to protect and shield myself.

Remember, life is a chess game. It's not over until you breathe your last breath and then... checkmate.

frantic, very much so

2008-03-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

I see the words go in and out of my head. Page after page after page. When will this end? I should be worrying about my work. My exams are in exactly 33 days. I SHOULD be worried about that. I am graduating, that hasn't kicked in yet. I should be worried.

Instead, what's bugging me is the fact that I need a new haircut.

Someone please stranggle the life out of me. *sigh*

zero point five

2008-03-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

The choices and decisions you make, no matter how small or big, ultimately decide where in life you'll land on. Like a game of snakes and ladders, we're all trying to reach the end so that we can look back on our journey and see all ladders that we've climbed and the many, many, many snakes that we've landed on to bring us down, down, down, again.

It's one thing to act irrationally in deperation. It's another to be young, desperate and irrational.

I've come to realise that youth should be equated with courage. Go on, live dangerously. It's okay, when you're young to rebel, make mistakes and break rules. No one will give you a serious penalty for it. After all, they'd probably blame it on the fact that you were young and knew no better. So I say, go all out. Do not be afraid of consequences, you learn vastly from them and truth be told, they are life moulding experiences.

*****

This is for my sister, who was once upon a time, estranged from me. But I think she's found me and she's growing up to see what this cruel life can do and the oddly, beautiful things it has to offer. She's my only sister, and one that my mother has constantly had to remind me that I would be alone without. I hope for her to be able to look for the beauty in life, to have deeper vision for what all this is about. I hope that everyday brings to her something worth appreaciating. I hope for her a strong heart with passion running through every vein. And I hope for her courage, to not always follow the rules, to have a voice and to not be afraid to take chances.

I think, now, more than ever we are closer to each other. Thanks for finding me, brat.

'cos we are living

2008-03-14T04:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you get so sick and tired of this psychotic revolving creation of God.

So much anger, so much hate, so much pain, so much angst, too many emotions attached.

When days are wet and grey and blue skies are no where to be found.

When trouble, one after another, persistenly torments you.

When you feel the lack of strength to carry on and just want to curl up in bed, blast the speakers and immerse yourself in a world of nothingness.

When you lack inspiration, drive and passion. When the fiery redness is dampen by critics and pessimists. How do you fight?

If I could I would. Give me a room, paint brushes and lots of paint, and I will create a world just for me, where everything is beautiful. If only we we live in a photoshopped world. Then everything will be breath-takingly beautiful.

oh, snap!

2008-03-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

I am so annoyed because it's 4:06am and I am not the least bit sleepy!

addicted

2008-03-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

The teeth grinding buzzing behind my back,
The friction against my bones,
The fusion of blood red and black ink,
Add a dash of colour, just a little, not too much,
The teeth grinding buzzing behind my back,
The purple hand from a suffocating squeeze,
Another layer, armour like, art-like,
I think I'm ready again.

just when you thought

2008-03-08T06:34:00.000-08:00

I am twenty one. I have to be grown up, I know. But some things just do not change. Not naming names, BUT

why do we just never get rid of annoying bees, expecially the queens that rule the hive.

why does the drama, that never concerns me, thankfully, always seem to irk me.

why do people need center stage...... ALL THE TIME.

why do innocent people have to carry the guilty plate.

why are some people so persistent that the world HAS to revolve around them. And if it doesn't they plot a come back.

why do some people manage to corrupt the minds of others with their wrong interpretations

why do some make mountains out of molehills.

and why after so many efforts to stay out of the drama I cannot help but be consumed because the people who are directly affected by it are people who are my friends.

Blink's got it right

2008-03-02T10:12:00.000-08:00

There are moments in this sometimes overly chaotic life that I become so consumed with the fuzziness, the buzz, the bigger issues revolving around me that I lose sight of all the small things that make up the core of my reason for living, or so I'd like to think.

It is in this moment that I think that I've taken you for granted. And maybe today I will put it all aside and allow myself to miss you.

the calm after the storm

2008-02-29T08:53:00.000-08:00

Everything's died down, no more drama practices, no more vocals, no more birthday parties, no more poker, no more alcohol, no more everything.

Everyone's cooped up in their rooms, focus, focus, focus. Assessed work due, writing credit due, exams in less than two months, convocation in less than four.

Looking through all my pictures, I know I will miss all of you. When all this ends, when real, tangible reality sets in, adulthood they call it, I will miss all of you. I absorb myself so much to the extent that I get scared. What if we lose touch, what if I hate adulthood, what if what if what if.

Tell me you will all still be here.

keeping the flow going

2008-02-23T23:11:00.000-08:00

It's 6:34 in the morning. The after effects of, embarrassingly not too many shots of, tequilla, chivas and smirnoff have gone and I am feeling so shit.

But I am sober, I can walk straight (promise) and I know for sure that 7 x 4 is not 26. The icy cold chills have gone, the head thumping has disappeared. All that's left are flashing scenes in my mind, pictures and videos that I hope do not go up on facebook and youtube and lots and lots and lots of love.

I woke up today and thank God for, for lack of a better word, my indescribably wonderful friends. For all that they have done, for causing me to run black tears, for semi-finishing the drinks (10 bottles in total, not too bad) and for showing me so much love.

I've yet to turn 21 but if last night was my break through to official adulthood, then I know that I will have so much to look forward too. It was a beautiful beginning.

Thank you everyone for the presents and presence but most importantly, thank you, really, for making me feel especially loved.

I will fucking miss you all when this crazy road trip is over in 3-4 months!

Think where man's glory most begins and ends, And say my glory was I had such friends."
-William Yeats

selfish

2008-02-19T13:28:00.001-08:00

If I don't stand up for myself, tell ME, who will. I don't have the courage to accept change but I will keep searching for it. I had no intention of throwing cruel words at you, but I did it for ME.

Until you tell ME you still need ME to be a part of this, until I can see that you need ME - I am out.

I'm doing all this for MYself because I will not let you play puppet master or push ME around. I am doing this because I need to do it to retain MY sanity. I am doing this because I know, though I may lack the strength to face change, I can initiate change.

differently

2008-02-16T04:43:00.000-08:00

Control - something we need to sustain some sanity in this beautiful life. Somethings you just lose control over and you stop yourself to think whether what has happened could have been changed or is it just an inevitable course of nature.

Valentine's day just passed. I don't really have a comment on it, except that my valentine's day this year didn't concern roses, chocolates or for the lucky few of my friends, turquoise Tiff&Co boxes. But it was lovely none the less.

Work has been mad. The piles just do not stop, finish one thing, restart cycle.

It's Saturday, I've just woken up, I don't feel like doing work (but I really should) and I'm being so so so random.

Thanks for the love. =D

doing things differently

2008-02-07T06:06:00.000-08:00

Instead of pick me up Chinese New Year songs, this year I am completely submerging myself in a pool of Dashboard Confessional, on replay... over and over, again and again. Yeap, things really are different this year. After this post, I will never ever be ranting bout how Chinese New Year away from home is the pits. I disallow myself to do so!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

black is the new red

2008-02-06T07:31:00.000-08:00

We'd set off the long trail of firecrackers. The crackling so deafening and the smoke absolutely intoxicating, but we'd set it off anyway just before dinner, on the eve of Chinese New Year. With the decorations up and the dinner table set, we'd feast on all things heavenly. Lion dances by the truck loads, we'd welcome, not one, not two but a record breaking seven. To chase away the spirits as tradition requests of us, but at the same time, to entertain guests who've poured in to my grandfather's open house.

This year, I sit in my room, close to tears and missing my family so much, reminiscing about my Chinese New Year last year as, conincidently ,my iTunes plays Michale Buble's Home. I didn't think it get to me this badly but it did. Today I write from a different perspective. Not one of joy and unconcelable excitement as I did previous years, but of great loneliness and emptiness.

As beautifully blue the sky is, I miss the red, all of it, blinding or not. My first Chinese New Year away from home. FIRST AND LAST.

Happy Chinese New Year.

blessed

2008-01-30T16:03:00.000-08:00

That's how I feel.

A few years ago I read my yearly predictions from the Chinese Horoscope book my family buys, not so much the fact that we obsessively believe and follow everything it says but just being, Chinese, we're minutely supersitious and wholly curious about the future. There's not much that I remember about what I've read but all I know is that rabbits (that's me in chinese horoscope language) will be welcomed in, if I'm not wrong, Cycle 8 (or some cyclical rotation), with all thing successful, career, money, health, family and funnily enough even in the love department. tsk!

Anyway, for all the positivisim that brought me, great! I'm the kind of person who reads my daily horoscope a day after, to try and pin point an occurence that could relate to my horoscope. I back track instead of trying to 'predict the future'. We, Chinese, like to believe all the good and dismiss ALL the bad via scepticism.

So far, life hasn't been a bowl of cheery red cherries or sunshiny days, especially since those are rare in this grey, gloomy island! But life has been really good to me, extremely good in fact, in so many other ways. So in many cases when people think 'Why not I?', I ask 'Why me?'. Because really, what have I done to deserve all the things that I've received. I believe in karma and you don't stand to gain good things by remaining stangnantly neutral. Good things happen because you give good. So what good have I done, I can't seem to really pin point.

Maybe the goodness that I have to act on is yet to arrive and all good things that have happened to me are like debts or is this a soul-selling deal with the devil that I've just forgotten.

My parents haven given me and my sister a lifestyle that we have no right to complain about. They've worked hard for us and I feel myself putting a lot on pressure on myself to give to them what they've given me. Even more so with graduation creeping closer. I feel that pressure, their expectations carry such great weight. I'm so afraid of not being able to give my dad a shiny white BMW 330i or my mum, barrels of Vuittons and Hermes. Materialistic as they may be, it's what they deserve for being able to accomodate my crazy spending habits and for giving me, what they think is, nothing but the best.

It's times like this that I remember how lucky and blessed I am. And it's moments like this where I miss MY home terribly, especially with Chinese New Year just around the corner.

the way it is, probably always will be

2008-01-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

Every night with my mum, I used to pray for an end to poverty, sickness, pain, suffering that God or some greater power would bring me a miracle to cure this sick world. I still pray for these things, sort of as a formality, almost as if I could take a small part of credit IF one day this rotating sphere were cured again.

From there, I've learnt division between my dreams and ideas from reality. I am a somewhat grounded idealist, wishing for all good things to happen to people everywhere but at the same time knowing my boundaries and limits. Every little bit helps, they say and it is true to a great extent but when will it ever be enough? What is enough? When will the rich stop getting richer and the poor absorbing a small bit of it? When will we care, truly and even if we do, what are we going to do about it? When will the hungry be fed and the thirst of many quenched, just as God had said?

These things are among the many other things that seep through my mind. I need a stop button because I get so immersed in idealistic thought that I lose all sense of concentration in the present.

On a lighter note, Happy Belated 21st Birthday Ms. Stephaine Tee...

...and a Belated 22nd to Mr. Cornelius Cheong.

Deepest wishes for all things wonderful from me. May this year be somehow different that the previous, in all ways good.

The workload is driving me bonkers. Thank goodness Monday just passed! Five more months in this torturous life as a law student, FIVE MORE MONTHS!

uberly random

2008-01-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

My new Dell 1520 is here, it's a tad bit bigger then I expected it to be but heck it's perfect in every other way.

I'd write a proper post and make a new layout but I don't have all my pictures yet, my new external HD is not here yet and I have no Photoshop!

Just letting everyone know that I am still alive.

Please come back to my not-quite abandoned blog because I will write more jibberish really soon. Like... by next week, after all my tutes are over. *grins*

080808080808

2008-01-03T11:34:00.000-08:00

Better late than never, I always say. Here, here to 2008! I call it my '08 because it is my lucky number, my lucky year.

There's something about '08. I welcomed it differently this year, single (still!), in a completely different country, with people I've never spent New Years Eve with, or in one persons case (ahem) in a long time. What did I feel? Amazingly, comfortable. We made our way to Waterloo bridge to catch the fireworks near the London Eye at midnight. Amidst the thronging crowd, big Ben chiming and chaos all around, I caught myself having a moment to myself.

I reflected on the 20years of my life that's passed by and sincerely, felt grateful that I'm alive and also proud that I turned out to be the way that I am. All my days of almost self-destructing myself and I've yet to made a absurdly life-wrecking mistake. Good job, Michelle!

This year will be a year of BIG changes.

It's the year I graduate (*fingers crossed), the year I turn 21, the year I transition into real adulthood, the year I find out what really lies ahead of me, the year I officially leave my teenage years of fun and frolic behind and take on some serious responsibility.

It's a new year and I can't remember the last time I've felt to refreshed, rejuvenated, renewed! I feel a year of nothing but good things, a year of nothing but progress, a year of nothing but peace in my family. This year just feels.. different. I sense it in my bones.

Happy New Year everyone! My deepest wishes for the year ahead of you. May you feel as naively optimistic as I do.

Pictures over the holidays!

I have an urge to brag about what arrived in the mail today. But humility is a virtue, so I shall do just that, be humble. *giggles*

More pictures on fb. Back to the real world now, work work work

post boxing day syndrome

2007-12-28T04:26:00.001-08:00

With a big hole in my purse and bank account, here I am at home, with the excuse of needing rest, which is partly true anyway.

So there passed the much anticipated Boxing Day sales. If I had to describe it in one word - merciless. It was an every woman for herself day. It was just havoc, all the pushing and shoving, it's like a school of fishes swimming upstream, you just can't help but be swept in the line of the crowd. The queue to the till and fitting rooms were for miles. It was so bad to the extent that girls just stood in front of the mirror and started stripping to jump the queues.

All the bad aside, I loved my buys. Burberry for dad, Swarovski for the little sis, crystals & amber from Italy for mum and a package arriving soon for myself. Then, there are the small random things that I look back and wondered what I was thinking when I bought them and that the money should have gone to a new FCUK top or MNG coat.

Thanks to mum and dad for financing this excursion. *giggles* I'm happy.

Pictures of the trip, boxing day buys and NYE next post. Can't be bothered to sort out pictures now.

ready, get set, GO!

2007-12-26T14:38:00.000-08:00

Before anything, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all.

Rome, Venice and Prague have been heavenly. Except for the coldness of the bitter air, everything else has been perfect. The company, the sightseeing, the historical insight, the food (to some extent) and the hotels have all wonderfully fallen into place.

After a much needed silent Christmas Day break, London is up and buzzing on Boxing Day. We started as strategically as possible, from Dorothy Perkins to Selfridges to FCUK to AX to Burberry. In the end we gave up our strategy and just took whatever shop we could by storm. The list of shops, it is endless, how unfortunate for my purse though. I loved it, the craziness, the shoving people, the honking vehicles, the emergency sirens, the buzz of it all. I love it!

Pictures are abundant. All on facebook though, I've yet to have access to my own computer to upload them on my facebook.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone.

3 x 3

2007-12-10T15:14:00.000-08:00

It's been 7years now. That's 84 months, 2,555 days, 61,320 hours. Didn't really realise that, did you?

I'm pretty self centered, I feel. To think that I hold all the cards, that I carry the heavy burden, that I play the puppet master's role, that I decide fates and that I break hearts. I, I, I...

But when I stop myself for a moment to think of the others. I feel for them because they feel that I hold all the answers, that I am the answer. Here I go again, being all self centered.

I hate speaking in codes. I hate having to find a way to divert, to tease the minds of those who do read. To be all ambiguous and vague about who or what I'm talking about, and bear in mind there almost always is a who and what.

I hate losing, be it a game, a match, an argument, a person and I especially hate being a disappointment. But I think some things are just inevitable.

I guess what I want to say here tonight, because none of my friends would really know the depth of what I'm trying to profess, is that it's been 7 years and all I know that right now, this very living, breathing moment you mean the world... to me.

And I am very, very thankful.

So, this one's for you.

androgyny

2007-12-07T18:14:00.000-08:00

I've always wondered how it'll feel like to be able to think with your penis (sorry guys!). Hence, the constant prying and interrogation of my male friends.

Boxers or briefs, breasts or bottoms, why do you always give vague answers, do you think she's hot, really? her nose is a bit funny don't you think, if only she were taller/thinner/blonder...

If it's one thing I've learned from my circle of male companions, it's that they speak their mind (sometimes without thinking twice) and are extremely straightforward. Something, us females, tend to be very poor at. So, yes, more probing and digging for answers to get into their heads, psychoanalytical bull.

We're so open and honest to the most random questions to the extent that I've been called 'one of the guys'. Gee, thanks a lot! Compliment? To some weird extent, yes. But I am still a woman, you know.. curvy, complicated emotional, comes with a brain *grin*

I love it that I feel as comfortable around them as I am with the girls. So 'one of the guys' I may be BUT still a woman. So much for wanting to get into their heads.

So this one's for the guys. For late hour cho tai ti games, adventurous instant noodle trials, for 'cock talking' sessions, for security, love and companionship,for patiently waiting in the cold for me to be ready, for allowing me to unload and for accepting me the way I am.. complicated, temperamental and all.

creeping in

2007-12-03T06:33:00.000-08:00

Why does it not feel like Christmas? It's December. And I say this at the end of every year, damn did the year whiz by.

So we got back from Nottingham two days ago and I still feel like a grandma, just a case of aching bones and muscles. Netball was good, didn't make it all that far but we all had tons of fun. Now that there are no more practices and games to concentrate on, I need to focus all that energy somewhere else. My head is screaming for me to finish my work but my perseverance levels are just not quite there yet. Reality is sinking in though.

The term's about to end. Next week to be exact. That's when I need to get all my work done by so I can fully enjoy my holiday. Going to Rome, Venice and Prague if you don't already know. Then there's Boxing Day Sales. Heaven have mercy on my purse.

Aside from that, tons of people are either already or will be back home in Brunei. I envy you!

I'm trying to channel all my energy into reading Foundations of European Union Law. I must, I must, I must...

especially

2007-11-28T17:57:00.000-08:00

If you've never had your heart broken, good for you. But if you have, especially for the very first time, congratulations.

At this point in time, every piece of advice sounds cliche, every small detail turns into a reminder, every daily routine turns mundane and every lonely moment of quietness sparks a memory churn. This may be one of the the most difficult times you'll ever experience, this first heart break, but look forward to the beacon at the end of the tunnel. Take comfort in your friends and family. Take comfort in yourself. Look inside you for the stronger side of you, dig deep in search of self-worth.

Most importantly, breathe deep to calm the tears. We're worth so much more than we sometimes give ourselves credit for. Don't let anyone string you along as PART of his/her life plan. YOU should be the life plan.

If you've just experienced your first real heart ache, congratulations. Now, you can handle anything and everything that charges your way.

cheat, chaet, choet

2007-11-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

"Have you ever been cheated on?"

If you're an avid questionnaire-er/surveryer, you'd come across this question often enough.

My answer, most of the time... define cheat.

The fact is that there are so many phases and so many different ideas of what constitutes a cheating partner. Why is it so easy to listen to a scenario and be quick to decide that yes, that person is cheating on his/her partner but so difficult to draw the boundary in words.

I've made mistakes, and I won't be the last to admit that. But I notice myself always drawing up defences for myself, edging that boundary further to accommodate myself. Maybe I'm just being hypocritical, maybe I'm not as good as dealing with matters of the heart as well as I profess people to do. Maybe this is, sometimes I feel, not for me.

I don't know the point of this post, I've been like that recently, rambling so much and so far that I lose track of the point I intend to make.

Moral of the story: DO NOT CHEAT (said loosely).

choices, choices, choices

2007-11-19T16:43:00.000-08:00

So much exposure, so many choices, so many options. Now that we're thrown out there to fend for ourselves, to protect us from what's wrong for us and to make wise decisions concerning what's right, how do we make the right decisions?

Or do we even make a decision by choosing instead to flit and be stuck somewhere in the middle? Why do we not settle for one thing and live with it?

Interestingly enough, nothing in the above concerns me. So, don't start wandering off course.

Fickle, fickle, fickle.

While we're on the topic of choices, one industry that has clearly failed miserably to provide consumer choices is the telecommunication branch.

I went phone hunting today and was so disappointed at the mobile phone choices available. This was the one time I wanted to leave a shop without purchasing anything. But I needed a line, so I took what I thought was the best option available, for me.

So now I am the (almost) proud owner of the Nokia n81. I will personalise it like no man's business, THEN love it.

etcetera etcetera

2007-11-13T15:55:00.000-08:00

For the past two weeks I've been consumed in a whirlwind of events and planning and tryouts and readings.

Just when I thought I could take a moment to relax and breathe, I realise, that I have a presentation due next week.

Besides that, it's the middle of November. I've been away from two months now. I miss home, I wonder if it misses me.

A month and a half to go till the end of 2007, I always get this sense of urgency, this panicked fear when the end of the year comes. All sorts of things just start juggling up in my head, it's frightening how I'll be another year older. And 2008 promises to be a life changing year with my graduation (fingers crossed) creeping in and the whole mambo jumbo about transitioning into contributing to society's work force.

*shudders*

I'm trying something new, sleeping early.. by 12. It's 12.01 now.

This was just a random note to express my sense of relief that last week was over and to welcome the new hectic (as I've just found out) week before me.

Let out a BIG sigh, then smile.

purchasing power

2007-11-04T02:57:00.000-08:00

"Chantelle, let's go, mummy's running late."

A woman in her late twenties, with tight corkscrewed curls and heels that I've secretly stared at for ages, was persistently calling out to her, what seemed like, 3 year old. The little blonde angel was at the make up section, plopped comfortably on the cold tiled floor, playing with on sale blushers and eye shadows, left in a box within her reach.

10minutes into calling out for her child to come to her without any success, her mummy walked over to lead her away from her new found toys. The irony of it all was that her mummy, too became engrossed in Rimmel London's on sale blushers and eye shadows. From the corner of my eye, I saw her grab a handful of the remains in the box and gently took the hands of her little girl and headed to the counter.

Now that's what I call influence. I couldn't help but smile to myself.

my biggest downfall

2007-10-26T11:54:00.001-07:00

Recent events have forced my back against the wall and have forced me to confront and come face to face with something, the only thing, that I have been running away from for the longest time.

The most difficult thing, aside from watching others you love so dearly get hurt, is to bravely surrender your heart in the trusting hands of someone else. I, as with many, many others I'm sure, have believed so naively in the beauty and magic of falling in love that when it pulls a fast one on you and completely flips you around, you fall so hard, so fast that when you do manage to pick yourself up, if ever, you fence up, bricks, wires, cement, the whole enchilada.

I suppose this is why they say love is blind, not so much referring to the flaws or choice of person we decide to engage with but more so that we, the fall-er, are so stupidly blind to the possibility that something so beautiful could turn out to be so disastrously destructive.

Personally, I thought I was fine, still perfectly capable of meeting someone new, someone ELSE, always being the adventurous, strong and confident one to give it all up again for him, whoever he might be, I just chose not to engage in such frivolous activities.

So when opportunity, my detour road, came knocking, I thought to myself, 'he seems fine, great potential, amazing personality, best of both worlds, don't over analyze, don't over think it, go with the flow'.

I wanted to be brave, to be adventurous and to take the leap. I disappointingly found that I could not, not so much because of the who's I've left behind but for the fact that I know I am so much smarter than this. I'm the sort of girl who should learn from her past mistakes, I am better than this.

After all that's happened, I am not willing to put myself out there to let myself be a victim of something so painful. I felt my thorns and guards growing, as if a natural reaction to poison.

So I ask this, is it possible to move into the future without bringing your past's excess baggage to the present? If so, how and if not, what's next for us?
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In the meantime, I am in a serious, beyond all seriousness, relationship... with my music. I swear it's like a damn cocaine addiction; when I shower, when I study (yeah right, study~), when I sleep. 24/7 Trance, baby.

I love it.

off guard

2007-10-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

My favourite quote of the day, that most people just won't get because it's personal.

"Hold up, lemme light a cig, you stressin' me out"

Love it.

I scare myself sometimes. I went shopping today and went ballistic at the shoe section.

Work, work, work. It's piling both academic and social work. Whoever told me it was easy to be social secretary? It's not a butterfly-job you know. Thanks for everyone who so generously volunteered to help me out. xoxo

Who wants to take a leap with me? And I don't mean bungee jumping, although that seems to be an intriguing thought. I need a push 'cos I'm such a pussy.

It's been a whirlwind of a day. Tomorrow, please be gentle.

mambojumbo

2007-10-20T06:13:00.000-07:00

Say hello to your new Social Secretary with the wounded lip.

Thanks everyone who voted for me and to everyone who hugged me on facebook for 'you know why'. Tell you all about that next time.

I feel so loved. =..)

funny little things

2007-10-18T02:03:00.000-07:00

On board the train, some time ago, I had a conversation with a friend. Like all conversations, it flitted from one subject to another.

S1: So, S2 has a tattoo on her back yeah? What is it?

Me: Yeah she does. She got it done for her 21st birthday, some artsy fartsy drawing.

S1: It's so common now for girls to get tattoos. Back home, almost ALL the girls have tattoos, especially on their backs. It's becoming such a norm now.

Me: (at this point I just couldn't stop grinning) Is it really a bad thing? Girls with tattoos.

S1: No, not really. But it's just that it's everywhere. You'll have it for life, until you grow old. So many of them have butterflies and things like that. What's the significance?

Me: (laughing hysterically) You have a lot of friends with butterfly tattoos on their back?!

S1: Yeah, quite a few. What's so funny?

At this point, I just had to tell him lah that I was just like every other girl he knew. Classic example. Girl with the butterfly on her back.

My justification for the butterfly was that it was suppose to symbolise a metamorphosis, from the little green caterpillar to a beautiful winged creature. A new stage, a new beautiful year in my life when I got it back in '02. I don't remember much from that year but it was definitely the year that a lot of people that matter to me now, became a part of my life.

On the other hand, it was to symbolise the lightness and freedom of the butterfly too. For the lameness of my justifications, there's always "it just looks good la!".

I'm not just any girl with the butterfly on her back, am I?

mother knows best

2007-10-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Call it a hint of sour grape syndrome if you like but I'm pretty glad I'm not in a relationship right now. I've never gotten used to the idea of writing (for all to see) about my relationships with other people, they hit too close to the heart, and I don't intend to. But I can say for certain, on behalf of many people who know my dramatic, cyclical love story, that they are happy for me just the way I am now, their support of which I am extremely grateful for. Especially my mother.

"Chelle ah, don't get a boyfriend until after you graduate. Concentrate on your studies first, women nowadays don't get married young, you have plenty of time."

She's right. I'm happy I don't have the commitment issues, the stress of having to balance studies, personal life, boyfriend and friends all at the same time, the guilt for not calling or text-ing when required, the burden of someone else's emotion on you, the moments where I wish I could forgo talking to my significant other for a night of fun. I'm glad, but then again, call it sour grapes if you wish.

unexpectedly

2007-10-15T16:24:00.000-07:00

For the first time in 4 weeks, I seriously feel homesick. The very surprising cause of this irritating, heart tugging feeling - Hui. Thank you for reminding me of the great things I've left behind but no thanks for driving me close to tears.

It's been a month. I miss you daddy, mummy, sis and all great things left behind.

overload

2007-10-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

Earlier at 8, I could barely hold my head up over the dinner table, which by the way was way past satisfactory. Thanks, Singaporean! I was desperate for a bed to lie down and rest my half closed eyes. It's now half past 2 in the morning and I'm wide awake.

What better way to pass time than to create a new layout, and of course a quick poker session at Desmond's. So here I am, hoping to snap into sleep mode whilst attempting to post. For my lack of words tonight, I make up with pictures!

Shuv's Post Birthday Bash

Desmond's Pre Birthday Bash

Random Sunday Pictures

By the way, I cannot ride a bike even if my life depended on it. Hence the pouty "I can't ride a bike" look.

Good Night!

the dearest of them all

2007-10-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

You've been the dearest, most precious to me. Your hugs brighten my days, your kind words make me feel loved. My, how you've grown and not just physically. Today is your special day. Let nothing ruin it, except the pouring weather today that we're unable to control, let it not dampen your spirits. I love you for you've been the most genuine with me, you've been my secondary support. Past all the boy drama and bitch fights, you've been on my side.

Dear Shuv, for being the bestest friend of all, MY bestest friend of all, you have my loyalty, my trust and my support especially now that you're (scarily) a full fledged adult.

That said,

HAPPY 2 1st BIRTHDAY

See you this weekend.

groggy, like the weather

2007-10-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

For the first time, I actually feel the ship leaving the port. So as I prepare myself to wave goodbye to all the sorrows and misery it's carrying, I can't help but feel a sense of great, unbearable loss.

Sometimes, as miserable and difficult it was to live side by side with something that caused you so much pain, it feels worse living without it.

This is goodbye, maybe one day I'll be brave enough to buy a one way ticket for the travel experience that'll last a life time, just one would be more than enough.

So, thank you for saving me countless times from drowning, when my knees were too weak and I was lost at sea. For being so solid to withstand crashing waves, for showing me that there's so much more at the horizon, for being my salvation, my 'time out' from the real world. Thank you for showing me that I should take the plunge sometimes and that the compass direction is never necessarily always right.

Thank you especially, for the wonderful journey, your silent companionship and for bringing me back to shore.

Till we meet again.

what i did last night

2007-10-06T07:11:00.001-07:00

(click to enlarge)

A bunch of us made a trip to Revolution, this pub/club, for a night off. It was a night much needed by many and a night I made a new friend, alcohol. It really doesn't taste as bad as I've always believed it to be.

It was a night of good fun, before classes officially kick off on Monday. It was a night, when after the alcohol kicked in, a debate about following your head or your heart started to conjure up in my mind. The Hollywood answer would be to follow your heart, but who really does that? Giving up every important thing in life to follow your heart, my practical side is yelling at me to stop being the idealist that I am.

Aside from that Reading has been awesome, my old friends are here. Yes, they've officially passed into the category of 'old friends', seeing how we've already started to meet new ones. I love their company, knowing that my shoulders to cry on are a few floors down and another, a block away.

As much as I love their company, I've loved my alone times too. The companionship of my iPod has been such a soul soother. Eyes closed, music throbbing through my headphones, I get sucked into it all. As loud as the music streams, I fall asleep because with my music my mind stops ticking, that's my cure to my restless mind.

My second tier friend

2007-09-29T04:02:00.000-07:00

I've come across, last night, a very interesting theory brought up by a very intellectual friend of mine. We we conversing about a 'friend' I had and he threw in a series of questions regarding his/her behaviour.

"Is he/she good at sports?"
"Not exceptionally coordinated," I answered.

"Is he/she good in studies?"
"Quite, not top 5 but not dumb either," I replied.

The list of questions continued.

"Ahh, he/she's a second tier friend lah!" he added then, upon coming across the puzzled expression on my face, proceeded to explain to me what that meant.

There are generally, four tiers overall.

Tier 4: The people who don't give a fuck about anything, their academics, their achievements, their life, basically. They sort off float along and are completely monotonous in all aspects.

Tier 3: The people who do give a fuck but are simply not good enough. They try and work hard but they just lack that something something to ace it.

Tier 2: Now, this tier is most controversial. Here sit the people who try their best to be tier 1, but are simply not good enough. What makes them different from tier 3 is that they go through all sorts of trouble to be friend the tier 1's so as to make themselves feel even more like a tier 1 but at the same time they put down everyone else (including the tier 1's) just for some feeling of superiority. They're selfish and self-absorbed. They're the kind of people who would turn mental if for one moment the world stop revolving around them.

Tier 1: The people who happen to excel at everything, the one's who've got it set. The one's who've got it all. These are the non-pretentious, generous people. The one's who walk with humble hearts and a big smile on their face. The one's the tier 2's want to be.

I looked at him and just wondered how that mind seem to actually categorised all this so perfectly to suit what I was trying to call this friend of mine.

The second tier friend. I'm sure you have one too but just remember he/she's just trying to be you so don't let him/her get to you.

on the strike of 12

2007-09-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

I called my parents, it was 12am their time and 5pm, mine. See, I was quite a surprise to them. Despite their slurred tones and half dead mimics, I knew they were glad to hear from me, or so I would like to believe anyway.

You can always count on my mum to interrogate me about my shopping whilst half asleep and my dad to remind me keep my passport (and me) safe.

All in all, I miss my parents, half asleep or not and it felt so good to hear from them.

I'm leaving London and going to Reading tomorrow, packing is... there's no word to describe it. it's such a task!

on point

2007-09-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

"... and I thought about choices. Since birth, modern women have been told that we can do and be anything we want; be an astronaut, the head of an internet company, a stay at home mom. There aren't any rules anymore and our choices are endless and apparently they can all be delivered right to your door. But is it possible that we've gotten so spoiled by choices that we've become unable to make one, that a part of us knows that once you choose something, one man, one great apartment, an amazing job, another option goes away. Are we a generation of women who can't choose just from column A? Do we have too much to handle or was Samantha right, can we have it all?"

Carrie Bradshaw
Sex in the City s.3 ep. 10

for you, love

2007-09-24T10:26:00.001-07:00

Why does she cry even though she resents him so?

When the fragile beating heart, she so faithfully handed to him, has been tossed around so thoughtlessly. When the curves and rapids of time have caused the two of them to drift apart, even if one of them disagrees this.

Is it because she still secretly, although she dare not admit it, loves him or is it because she's succumbed to the fact that this might actually, although having succumb to this thought a million times before, be the end?

Or is it simply because she's crying for herself, for the times that she has allowed herself to feel less important than he or because she has sinned by looking to him as a godly figure and non above him, breaking the first commandment in the rule.

Or is she crying because she's happy, tears of joy and relief that it's over and that she can finally just leave everything, every single time capsule behind and finally, again, although having believed this many times before, move on.

So, why is she crying, the girl with so much to offer, but lacking the ability to give?

So the road ahead might be cold and lonely, but there's always a chance that it might just be breathtakingly beautiful. It's just a matter of perception, love.

defying gravity

2007-09-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

There was a moment, one phase, in my life where I thought love was the most important, the highest priority and that this saddened world needed more of it. Note the past tenses used.

Now, I see and understand personally how complicated and how painful it can get. So please, look not at me to provide and shelter you with love, because I know I can't give it wholly. This lack of faith, trust, hope, whatever you want to call it, has flipped me.

I may love you, you, you and you but be wary of my shields and guards, even the most beautiful of roses have thorns. It'll take some time to strip off, if ever. Let me start over, with a touch of fresh air and hint of mint and lavender to soothe my aching mind.

*****

Uni's starting soon and as much as I want to spend all my time just traveling and shopping and sightseeing, I can't. So let's pray that this year I will be equally of preferably more hardworking than the year before.

My family's amazing. When tragedy happens, we counter it with an event of grandeur. So while we mourn the death of my late uncle, I congratulate the marriage of my much loved other uncle. So to the two beautiful couples I know who have gotten married despite my absence, I wish you joy, love, patience and all things I wish for my marriage in the future to happen to yours.

We're going clubbing tonight. Whee~

it's a cold crazy night, in my head at least

2007-09-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

I'm in London, it's day 3 and already I'm going broke. But I love it here, the shopping, the weather, it's lovely!

So those of you in KL, please get in touch with me!

disappear

2007-08-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

It's a sinking feeling I can't quite describe in words. Certain things in this world are inevitable, we know that, I know that. But certain things just shock you beyond comprehension and not in a good way too.

It's all about the money, Meja sings. It always has been and probably always will be. That's why I approach the recent article in the Borneo Bulletin about having a drug free ASEAN by 2015 with great skepticism.

So the point of this post is that I am angry and filled with guilt, love and great admiration even if it may not apparent in my writing. People born with silver spoons in their mouths will never understand what it's like to see parents, mine and others, work so hard, day and night, missing lunch hours and dinners, working extra hours and on Sundays, slaves to the currency, to provide their children, my sister and I included, with the lifestyle that they (we) have.

There's a pressure, and expectation, a burden if you may, on me to do well (and I do want to do well) to give my parents back the lifestyle that they have given me. There has never been a time that I wanted something material that my parents have failed to purchase with a swipe of their plastics. There has never been a year, before I left for university, that my family wouldn't go on end of year, out-of-town trips. There has never been a time that I've been rejected when wanting to top up my emptying purse.

I am grateful, I just hope they and everyone else sees it.

So, there!

scatter brain

2007-08-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it feels like to say the words "I love you" to someone and to not get the same reaction back. But I can figure out how shitty that must feel like.

Playing basketball for two and half hours hours non stop makes you feel weak in the knees and so nauseous. But I'd do it again, any given day. I love the game.

Would you ever date someone outside your normal social circumstance? No, seriously could you date someone completely different from you, and the world you live in? Someone none of your friends could possibly get along with, whose social circle is far from similar to yours, whose national language is different from that of yours, whose race, colour and culture - totally opposite. Really? Just wondering.

I think I'm such a gambler. Poker, rummy, 13 cards, Big 2, traffic lights - bring it, I'm game. I think I'm destined to be poor for life. Whoever said smoking kills, obviously never gambled.

One more month till it's bye, bye baby and hello frezzingly, dull London. Not much thoughts on that, very bittersweet.

Does anyone know who clears up dead carcass' in the middle of the street? There's a dead animal in the middle of the high way. It's been there for oh, say 5 days and it's stinks. Never drive by dead carcass' with the windows down. I wonder how long it'll take for it to tun to dust.

My facebook poker server is down for maintenance, so it's good night.

fee fi fo fum, i smell the stench of whisky and rum!

2007-07-29T00:42:00.000-07:00

People who work, live for the weekends. I'm still working, but anxious as a bunny on speed to quit. Tuesday, I can hardly wait.
It's been such a wonderful experience, going to court, meeting lawyers and magistrates, doing research and even preparing the awfully mundane court documents but it's about time this woman gets her much deserved break.

I am after all on a holiday.

Last night was good fun. Empire's presidential suite PLUS a 30 minute firework display, sounds amazing, no? Not if you were late to catch the fireworks.

Regardless, the night was much needed - the booze (of which I had too little to genuinely say I enjoyed myself), the barrel of laughs, the company, the music, the atmosphere.

Although the crowd eventually got a little bit too rojak for my liking, we had out own little nook on the balcony with our own group, which suited me perfectly fine.

I think I'm sick, having a case of the pre-Monday blues.

I know it's just two more days to waking and sleeping at ungodly hours, non stop complaints of nothing to do, lazing and bumming and going for ample massages, but I can't wait.

Have a great weekend everyone, what's left of it anyway.

nip/tuck anyone?

2007-07-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

So I've been watching Nip/Tuck lately, a TV series that needs no introduction. It's a tad too gruesome for my appetite but it gives you a really visual insight on plastic surgery and the whole recovery process of it all.

Does anyone know of the person who said beauty lies skin deep? Because he sure is a fat liar!

So in this ultra demanding world we live in, we all constantly strive to be perfect. And we all know that no one is perfect, it's like searching for the end of the rainbow expecting a pot of gold at the end, you'll just never get there.

Plastic surgery. One of the greatest breakthroughs in the medical realm to correct physical disorders (and by this I, too, mean in the sense of accidental mishaps and what not) or a money making scheme to feed our vanity and insecurities?

I know my limits. Do you?

everybody leaves

2007-07-23T02:44:00.000-07:00

I've been having such a difficult time trying to find the right words to describe the things I've been going through, all these emotions and hormones surging through my body. They're the culprits to my sometimes rash and random acts.

My daily routine remains somewhat monotonous; work, rest, rummy, bball, poker and the countless sessions of tea. While physically all seems swell, there's so much going on underneath that I just find it so difficult to describe, let alone explain. I can't quite put a finger on what's happening to me but baby steps, baby steps.

Everybody leaves, you know it's true. I want you to stay but that'd just be too selfish of me, to jeopordise the shining bright future ahead of you for a brief moment of satisfaction. Our days are numbered but the days that have passed and the hours spent together - priceless. As much as I want you to stay I will just force a smile and say: I wish you well and I hope to God that this future we both want so badly will be worth it.

I think this is as much people-leaving as I can take.

p.s to the KL crew - I'm coming back soon, date yet to be decided. It'll be so wonderful to meet up again. I will let you all in on details. I heard excellent feedback about the Human Rights Campaign. Good work guys, you deserve every single ounce of credit, especially to you Ying. See you guys soon.

thnks fr th mmrs

2007-07-14T05:23:00.000-07:00

I never imagined I would become someone I detested and despised for the longest time.

I could go on with a million "but's" but they'd all be excuses, flees from the truth.

I'm not one to admit when at fault, but this time I am.

And I know I have hurt you. I close my eyes and I imagine you, hopeless and lost. Your tears, your eyes, they sentenced my death.

There's nothing I can say to make you feel better. I know that. I wish I could say that I have so much to tell you, but I'm at a loss for words. The party at fault usually has no satisfactory defence.

Hopefully one day you'll forgive me for my awful sin.

i am bigger than that

2007-07-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

They say to find balance in everything you do. They say to always remain neutral in conflicts. They say to divide your time well so everything weighs out well.

They don't tell you how, do they?

*****

My attachment's going well. Tonnes of work dumped on my desk, unfinished court documents, cases and files waiting for my attending to. Court visit are regular and although work attire pretty much comprises of all that is black and white, with the occasional dash of green and brown, I can see myself doing this for a living in the future.

*****

Basketball season just started. It all kicks off with, this year because of a gracious sponsor, the Aewon Sultan's Cup, possibly followed by the Coca-Cola Cup and finished off with Rimula. It'll be amazing to follow up the entire season again, just like how I would.

*****

It's my dad's birthday today. He turns 51; a little past half a century. Ancient. Me and my sister are taking him out to dinner tonight. He knows how much we love him. We do our part to try to patch up broken holes in this already very worn out family.

*****

I'm UK bound in approximately two months for about a year and I'm very excited for reasons both general and personal.

*****

Aside from the very briefly scrawled updates, life's been kind to me.

In the past few weeks I've reaffirmed my belief that the decisions and choices you make are yours and yours alone, you don't need to justify them or explain them to anyone because your body is a complex creation of God and whatever you have to, want to or need to do, it is an emission of your needs.

I've also realised where loyalties lie and how accidental slips can bring about costly medical expenses. And also how our insecurities can force us to do the funniest things.

I'm glad I see direction in my life, although not in all areas. I don't need looking for new thrills because all I have is here. I know my boundaries, although they can change but I'll adapt.

And everyday I start and end by being grateful.

schizo, tonight

2007-06-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

Dear self,

People say forgive and forget. I've always believe in forgiving, it brings you such liberation and places you in a class above all others, that you've got a big heart. Forgetting, I'm not so much an advocate of . I don't forget, I think remembering the hurt teaches you to be smarter, to not fall for the same trick again.

Forgiving others, it's attainable, not always easy, but attainable non the less. Here's my question. How do you forgive yourself? I've always tried to do things the right way, whatever that is. To do things that might set examples for others, to keep my conscience clear. Then again, I've done so many things wrong. I've constantly reminded myself that I'm only human, it's alright to make mistakes.

But forgivness brings closure, and now I need for you to give me the closure I need, to let me know that I'm good enough for myself. Tell me, where do I start to clear myself of all the things I've done to hurt the people I love, all the disappointment I've caused, all the hearts I've broken. They love me so much, and I can't help but feel so incompetent.

That's all in the past now, tell me how to forgive myself. How is it supposed to feel, when and how will I know that the act is complete? It's spinning a little out of control, I try to just remain sane all my days and take things one step at a time, quite a task knowing that I'm not the most patient person ever.

I don't like hurting the people I love so much, and that's just what I've been doing. How do I forgive, not her, not him or them but, me.

Let me know, when you're ready.

p.s. You really should be sleeping. You've got to be up at 7 tomorrow. Remember how crazy it was for you today.

Good night.

versus

2007-06-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

Selflessness and Honesty.

Two values I know my parents wished for me to have, but two that I can't say 100% for certain I've managed to successfully instill in me; doesn't mean I lack them though.

So, what do you do when a choice has to be made that sees the two clashing?

Would you pick to tell the truth by justifying the fact that the truth will set you free, it is what is needed most in this cold cruel world BUT be known and remembered as a selfish person.

Or would you pick to be selfless,to put others needs and wants before yours, to do, in your opinion, what's best for them BUT lie right to their faces (but for their good, in your opinion, of course)?

Sometimes, the truth does bring closure, it 'sets you free'. But there are times when it just complicates and entangles the web that much more.

So, yes my dear, suck it up, or at least start learning to suck it up. The skies are never always blue, the grass never always green and as my mum used to tell me, the world will never stop spinning for you.

Just something that cropped up in my conversation with Adeline (who's back!) earlier.

Good night.

ring, ring.

2007-06-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

I rang a few firms up today, hoping I'd get an attachment, somewhere. Anywhere. Something to kill this lazy bone syndrome I'm having.

Results out next week, so I've heard. Good luck everyone. I've been asked a few times now, how I'd figure I'd do. Truth be told, I hope I do good. I'm not the kind who'd usually settle for passes, but law is hell and a pass is to be considered a averaged B in comparison to many greater subjects. I don't want to jinx it just yet. Fingers crossed.

Pictures, because it's 4.24 before the crack of dawn.

Ming's Birthday

Ming, our little hero, celebrated his 9th at the Sheraton Poolside last... xxxday. It was a blast, too bad we had to leave early.

Centrepoint Pool Party

... for four. There's was a pajama/lingerie party after that where 9 other girls showed up. I had to leave right after the swim, cos Mr. Po had a pre-father's day barbeque at his place.

Father's Day Dinner

Randon Sunset

Phew. Good morning!

fish out of water

2007-06-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it takes losing everything to gain it all back.

ridiculous

2007-06-11T10:36:00.001-07:00

She crawled into bed and stared at him, the man she had loved for so long, sleeping soundly like a baby. She brushed her fingers through his hair, releasing molecules of his shampoo scent. She sat up straight in bed, and after a long mental rewind, played back the hours between 12am and 7am the night before.

The conversations they had, the brutality they threw at each other, in order they played in her mind. It took a toll on her, in a lack of sufficient sleep way.

She snapped back to reality, to now. She looked at him again, his back faced towards her and saw so much, their past, present and future. She stopped. Her mind needed a break, no more thinking.

She lay down beside him, that man, and snuggled up beside him. There's nothing now, the air has been cleared. The only remembrance of pain left from the night before, her swollen cried out eyes and his unclenched fist.

hell hath no fucking fury like a woman scorned

2007-06-10T11:20:00.001-07:00

I maybe nice most of the time, but take not my nice-ness as my weakness.

You trample on me, I will run you down with a bull dozer. You yank at my, unlike your peroxide dyed, hair, I will dig your eyes from your sockets and play golf with them. You throw stones at me, I will haul a bloody boulder at you. You scream and yell (for help, guaranteed) I will force my fist down your throat.

I swear, just because you've yet to see my ugly side, does not mean it is non existant.

BACK OFF.

This is not a threat, its a mtfking warning.

I'm in no position to give The Dummies Guide To How NOT To Turn Into A Whore but hell, if you want to sleep with a guy make sure he's chasing you, not you chasing him. Because at the end of the day, you are just being used.

Let me spell it out for you HE IS USING YOU, TRAMP.

I just don't get it. Do they really think they have a shot at this? That the guy will just be mesmerized by the *ahem* beauty, not to mention STDs, and just be so hooked that they can't get enough of them.

I may smile to you the next time I see you, but bear in mind, that everything beneath that smile, is poisonous.

=)

broken, but it's better that way

2007-06-04T22:18:00.001-07:00

For the longest time, I've refrained from talking about my family. What goes on inside, what I've done to them, what they've done to themselves.

People give my this look. When I tell them that my parents are separated, that they sleep in different rooms, that they're on the verge of a divorce, that my cousin left a really painful mark when he left me (us) a few years back, that me and my only sister, the one i expected to stand by my side and understand me the most, chose to give me the silent treatment, that I have disappointed the people who gave me life one too many times because of choices that I believe to be right.

People give me this look... sympathy. I don't need your sympathy, thank you very much. I don't need it around me. Period.

Every family is screwed up in some way, some people coyly smile their way through it as if the surface of the glass ball is smooth. There's a word for that.. in denial.

I love my family, and I am disappointed with myself for once upon a time saying I could ever live without them. No one's is perfect, but you work your way through the imperfections and accomodate each other.

I'm glad. I really am, for the understanding and freedom of growth my parents have given me, for the newly rekindled bond me and my sister have and for the wisdom, strength and endurance my grandparents have shown me.

I think it's very important, appreciation, and I am, fully.

spaced out

2007-06-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

My laptop is back with (almost) all files intact. Great news.

My holiday's been completely and utterly just downright unproductive, which is perfect because that's what holidays are all about right?

Pictures from the Law Ball, because it's 3:53 am and I am at a complete loss for words.

times like these

2007-05-30T03:54:00.000-07:00

My laptop's undergoing surgery so I'm temporarily using my sister's.

I know I owe people pictures from the Law Ball but they're all in my laptop, so sending them your way as soon as I get back my metal box of technology, provided the serviceman remembers to back my files up. I will turn his shop up side down inside out if he deletes my things.

I need a new iPod. My old one, as spacious and white it is, is on the verge of a psychopathic breakdown. Went to the Apple shop here, saw the 30GB iPod video for BND$428. Want it, need it. But checking prices in Singapore before the purchase.

Aside from that the rain is a real mood killer.

touched down

2007-05-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

I'm home, and it's feel better than best.

You know what they say, you never know what you've got till it's gone, and in this case I'm glad it's still here, my home. And it's in much better condition than I expected, relationship wise.

A good full dose of home before it's off to the UK in autumn. So much has changed back home, but few things remain the same.

My bed, my ever loyal lovely bed, still fits every curve on my body. My bathroom, running hot water, at my disposal. My car, my BJ 7340, old and currently in the work shop to suit my needs, but always a beauty to drive.

I love being home, and I sure as hell, am going to miss this dead boring place when I leave. Four months, seems pretty long, but it'll be over before I know it. Soak it all up, savour it all before I leave for the ice cold land of Britain.

It's been less than 12 hours and already I'm missing all of you back in KL, will see you guys in about 3 -4 weeks..

The Law Ball was alright, pictures from that real soon.

I love home. I love home. I love home!

losing it

2007-05-25T08:03:00.000-07:00

... my voice. Practice today was like full throttle, everyone went all out. Just one more day then I can leave it to rest.

Then there's sound check tomorrow, I'll probably just hum and flop my way through sound check.

There was an initial plan to go swimming in the hotel pool, time gave us no such opportunity. =(

This is post #100. Nope, I don't think I'd do little celebratory posts for one year birthdays but for centennial posts instead.

Completely random post, leading to nowhere.

oh joy!

2007-05-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

Can I start by saying I'm free. Say it slowly now, I. AM. FREE.

No more studying for FOUR whole months, complete bliss, though I know I will be complaining somewhere in between the four months. But hey, it beats pressure + stress + studying anytime.

This feels so good. I'm on the road of rediscovery, rediscovering that deep down inside I'm actually not a nerd. I believe that I'm not, just hoping that the two months of nerd whoring didn't completely dull-ify me.

My agendas for the day. Shop, and I am not stopping till I literally drop. Mid season clearance sales everywhere, Miss Selfridge, MNG, Vincci, XOXO, Roxy, Topshop.

My dad just left for KL today. It was so good to see him, especially during my exam period. It was a real motivation booster for me. He came with purpose, brought me my ball dress, shoes and accessories to match.

Haven't done anything really productive yet except for sleep, which, might I add was much deserved, considering the fact that for the past two weeks, sleep was a minimal and awfully meager. Like everyone says, sleep for a full 12 hours, go longer if you can and the best part of it all, you don't have to set the alarm to wake you to study. Second best, you don't have to chant, recite and remember what you've read earlier.

Sleep is just lay man's term for sleep. Lie down, close your eyes doze off. You don't know what you've gone till it's (almost) gone.

A big shoutout to my classmates and especially my lovely lovely friends for making it through. Couldn't have done it without you, Sam, Carissa, Ying, Varun, Cow, Nic, Weehoo, Andrew, Kat.

oh joy. it's over. oh joy!

P.S. Please pray for little Ms. McCann's return. Isn't she the cutest thing?

it's been a while

2007-05-15T05:31:00.000-07:00

Today marks the day I officially put that two months worth of hard work to good use.

One paper down, three more to go and it all ends in one short week.

A whole nine months, determined by one week. Exams, when will it all end for sure?

It's like a bloody 10kilometre race. When nearing the finish line, there are moments that you just want to stop ticking altogether, then there are moments when you push to finish.

I am stronger than I know, the brain is the most powerful of all. I (try to) motivate myself every single day. Repetitively I'd chant to myself everyday.

One more week. Exactly one more week. I really need a wheelbarrow push or a big fat slap to tell me I can make it past the week alive.

On a much weight-lifted-off-my-shoulder note, ONE PAPER DOWN. three more to go.

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!

abandonment

2007-05-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

Just temporarily.

My exams are in TWO (^%$*@%#^@*) weeks. It's the final 100 meter burst.

Things are a little stressful. No make that VERY stressful.

Things left undone, untouched. Books and paper scattered all across the room.

Three weeks till complete rest and relaxation. I cannot wait.

I LOVE LAW. Repeat that a few more times and I might really just convince myself that I do.

Post promised end of exam week. Take care now.